Sunday, October 14, 2012

Fall Apart


Ah 2am and I am still up (COFFEE TOO MUCH COFFEE) Why?! why!? I am crazy. Well, that and i can't relax and sleep when I am wrestling with something. So, gotta turn me some music on and pray and get my heart right. 

This song was of encouragement to me tonight. It reminded me of my inability to do it on my own and my human-natureness (i just made that up) to stumble flat on my face. But, i think sometimes flat on our face is where we need to be. I struggle with pride (don't we all? ) but it is usually quietly and God, well He knows me mighty well and I think He knows when I need to eat a piece of humble pie. Tonight was that for me, a reminder that I alone can not do it. I must always be on my knees (well not literally but maybe) before Him begging Him for mercy, healing, wisdom and just everything I need to walk this journey on my 'own' without a 'helpmate'. 

Fall Apart
By Josh Wilson:
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart
I want to always remember that place of brokenness where God has had me so often the last couple of years, because well, in that I will remember that helplessness and total need for my Savior and Lord. I believe there is a balance (of remembering our weak points but moving forward to be strong), but for me, remembering this causes me to have humility and not the pride that perhaps has welded up in me the past few weeks. 

That pie was nasty, but really good for me (kinda like de-caff coffee).


Friday, December 23, 2011

Running.... (11/17/2011)

" I am running, running after You. You've become my souls delight. I'm running after You, Here with You I find my life. Now I'm running after the thing that matters. You've become my joy and song. I find my joy in worshiping You Lord."

I was thinking about this tonight in light of this song I found. Kari Jobe is my absolute favorite 'worship' singer out there. This song called running just really hit home. 

I was thinking about how it seems people in these disfunctional situations tend to just run. But, they don't run to the right things. They run right back into a simliar situation, or they run to alcohol or drugs or hmmm facebook? But, oh how important it is for us (me) to run to Jesus. He is the ONLY right place to go. I find when I am in the deepest darkest of trials is when I feel the CLOSEST to Him. Now that doesn't mean I want to always be in a 'trial' so that I will feel close to my God, but I feel it just means that I have finally learned to cling to my Savior in those times instead of trying to do it on my own. Ok, scratch that I haven't learnED...i am learnING. Truly though, He has become my souls delight. 

A couple of you just out of encouragement told me to 'follow my heart'. While I know what you mean and that you are just trying to offer up kind words I just want to put this out there. I never ever will be following my heart. I believe that my heart is deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9) and no decision that I make apart from God will be a good one.  I do not make ANY decisions on my heart/emotions but solely on the TRUTH of the Word of God. Perhaps that's hard for some of you to understand, but I feel there is no other way to do it. I understand that my emotions are going to play into my decision, but hopefully I am wise enough to not allow them to RULE my decision. 

Wedding Day (10/23/2011)

Wedding Day - Casting Crowns[VERSE 1:]
There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bride groom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white
And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white, head to toe
But only he could make it so

[CHORUS:]
When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart
And says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you've longed to see
Is written on his face 
When love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day
On that wedding day

[VERSE 2:]
She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him 
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cry
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign

The Bridge (10/19/2011)

The Bridge
 
By Edwin Friedman

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.
Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring. He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other were coming to greet him. He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly except for something tied around his waist.
When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, “Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?” Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

“Thank you,” said the other, who then added, “two hands now, and remember, hold tight.” Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.
Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope’s length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath, looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.

“What are you trying to do?” he yelled. “Just hold tight,” said the other.“This is ridiculous,” the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

“Why did you do this?” the man called out. “Remember,” said the other, “if you let go, I will be lost.” “But I cannot pull you up,” the man cried. “I am your responsibility,” said the other. “Well, I did not ask for it,” the man said. “If you let go, I am lost,” repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.
“What do you want?” he asked the other hanging below. “Just your help,” the other answered.

“How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you.”
“I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will be easier.” Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.

“Why did you do this?” he asked again. “Don’t you see what you have done? What possible pur- pose could you have had in mind?”
“Just remember,” said the other, “my life is in your hands.”

What should he do? “If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk los- ing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever.” With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while still holding on. “That would teach this fool.” But he wanted to live and to live life fully. “What a choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?”

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make.

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.

“Now listen,” he shouted down. “I think I know how to save you.” And he explained his plan.
But the other wasn’t interested.

“You mean you won’t help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer either.”
“You must try,” the other shouted back in tears. “If you fail, I die.”

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? “My life or this other’s?” And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of think- ing.

“I want you to listen carefully,” he said, “because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you.”

“What do you mean?” the other asked, afraid.

“I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here.” He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.

“You cannot mean what you say,” the other shrieked. “You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.”

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope. “I accept your choice,” he said, at last, and freed his hands.

The End.

Beauty From Pain + Courage (10/15/2011)

 Beauty From Pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see (to what I can't see)
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain


Courage
Take all my vicious words
And turn them into something good
Take all my preconceptions
And let the truth be understood
Take all my prized possessions
Leave only what I need
Take all my pieces of doubt
And let me be what's underneath
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies,
But the song he sings
Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway
It's not how many times you've been
knocked down
It's how many times you get back up
Courage is when you've lost your way,
But you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid
Courage is when it all seems grey
Courage is when you make a change,
And you keep on living anyway
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Perfect Peace (9/22/11)

Here I am broken down
Hands lifted up
I've never felt so cold
I need You to warm my soul
Only You can bring me home

Here I am damaged goods
Too tired to cry
There's nothing I need more
Than to repair this heart I've torn
I need You to bring me home

In Your sight I am beautiful
In Your blood I come clean
In Your hands all things are possible
What was fear has been released
It has turned to perfect peace

Lord, undo me (9/15/11)

I don’t really worship these day

I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs

Or prayers or actions

or with anything

I am full of all the right moves

I am full of all the right words

I am full of all the right religion

But it is all just illusion

I am really

Lonely

Lost

Calloused

Jaded

Cynical

Too religious

Too realistic

and well really just to lazy

to worship you anymore

I have lost my first love

I have lost the joy of your presence

But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory

Papa God I need to see you again

Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory

To fall down at your feet

To come face to face with your

Perfection,

Radiance,

Goodness,

Holiness,

Awesomeness

I want to stand before you and see you for who you are

and me for who I am

I want to be undone

I want to know me for who I really am

I want to see the depths of my heart

And know that you are the only way

You are the only truth

You are the only life

I want to see me and understand

What it really must have taken for you to

Love me

Care for me

See me

Speak to me

Want me

Communicate with me

Die for me

Die for me

Die for me

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory

And my sin

Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.

Lord let me come undone

Undo my heart

Lord, undo my heart

break down these walls that I love so much

No, wait don’t,

I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this

don’t

But I can’t live this way anymore

I can’t stand here in this half-life

this going through the motions life

this not really alive life

Father, I need you so come and in and do what you must

Cut out the tumor on my heart

Break down the walls that I love

Lord let me come undone

Undo my heart

let me worship you again

-author unknown